Last night I went out with my honie and his friends. I love my honie. We've been dating for almost two years now (anniversary on Nov 2), and we've been through a lot. Anyways, the night started out good. I had a slight headache since I didn't sleep all that much the night before, but I tried to stick it out. We were going to go to a Chinese buffet with lobster and crab (yum). My honie was driving so I was being the camera-whore that I am.....
I was happy at first. But then we got with his friends. HIS friends. It's not like they are bad people. I actually like them too, just not all together. Why? Because I'm Filipino and they are Vietnamese. They all speak Vietnamese, and they speak it when they are all together. So that leaves me, to sit there pretending to be alright while who knows what is being discussed. When my honie would stand up to get some food, I could hear them saying my name and I didn't know if they are speaking shit about me or what. You'd think I would learn after two years, or at least become immune to it. Maybe it's because I didn't have enough emotional control since I was tired. I don't know. I was miserable at the restaurant. They all were happy and talking, so was my honie and I want him to be happy. I'm glad he gets to see them. So I feigned a horrible headache everytime they'd ask me "Why are you so quiet?" when I just wanted to jump up and yell "Because I can't fucking understand what you're saying!!!" I'm expected to be all happy and smiling when all I want to do is scream. Of course my honie knows I'm upset, and I keep telling him I'm okay and to enjoy himself. Then my headache really does become bad and all I want to do is go home. Ugh it was not a fun night.
This has happened so many times, I should be use to it. My honie has told them time and time again to please speak English so that I can understand. I feel selfish though so I keep telling him not too. I don't have any right to ask anyone to communicate in a certain way. Ugh it's just a pickle of a mess :(
While I'm sitting there in my own stew, I keep thinking "Is this how my life is going to be?" If we were to get married, was this how every get-together was going to be? Was this how my wedding was going to be? My baby showers? Birthdays, Christmases, and Thanksgivings? Would my kids be like that, say crap about me behind my back because I don't understand? I have no one to blame but myself. I got myself in too deep, but I don't want to leave him. I love him... it just seems like there are too many problems. So I told him to not be surprised if I broke up with him one day. I know I hurt him, and I felt bad but I just couldn't help myself. I was too mad and pissy.
Later we talked and he knows I love him. He doesn't have answers either, but I think we are strong enough to last it.
Just one of the many reasons I love him:
He'll carry my hot pink bagpack with pride around campus :)