10.09.2007

Outcast

Last night I went out with my honie and his friends. I love my honie. We've been dating for almost two years now (anniversary on Nov 2), and we've been through a lot. Anyways, the night started out good. I had a slight headache since I didn't sleep all that much the night before, but I tried to stick it out. We were going to go to a Chinese buffet with lobster and crab (yum). My honie was driving so I was being the camera-whore that I am.....







I was happy at first. But then we got with his friends. HIS friends. It's not like they are bad people. I actually like them too, just not all together. Why? Because I'm Filipino and they are Vietnamese. They all speak Vietnamese, and they speak it when they are all together. So that leaves me, to sit there pretending to be alright while who knows what is being discussed. When my honie would stand up to get some food, I could hear them saying my name and I didn't know if they are speaking shit about me or what. You'd think I would learn after two years, or at least become immune to it. Maybe it's because I didn't have enough emotional control since I was tired. I don't know. I was miserable at the restaurant. They all were happy and talking, so was my honie and I want him to be happy. I'm glad he gets to see them. So I feigned a horrible headache everytime they'd ask me "Why are you so quiet?" when I just wanted to jump up and yell "Because I can't fucking understand what you're saying!!!" I'm expected to be all happy and smiling when all I want to do is scream. Of course my honie knows I'm upset, and I keep telling him I'm okay and to enjoy himself. Then my headache really does become bad and all I want to do is go home. Ugh it was not a fun night.

This has happened so many times, I should be use to it. My honie has told them time and time again to please speak English so that I can understand. I feel selfish though so I keep telling him not too. I don't have any right to ask anyone to communicate in a certain way. Ugh it's just a pickle of a mess :(

While I'm sitting there in my own stew, I keep thinking "Is this how my life is going to be?" If we were to get married, was this how every get-together was going to be? Was this how my wedding was going to be? My baby showers? Birthdays, Christmases, and Thanksgivings? Would my kids be like that, say crap about me behind my back because I don't understand? I have no one to blame but myself. I got myself in too deep, but I don't want to leave him. I love him... it just seems like there are too many problems. So I told him to not be surprised if I broke up with him one day. I know I hurt him, and I felt bad but I just couldn't help myself. I was too mad and pissy.

Later we talked and he knows I love him. He doesn't have answers either, but I think we are strong enough to last it.

Just one of the many reasons I love him:

He'll carry my hot pink bagpack with pride around campus :)

18 comments :

  1. Awww, there there. I've had this similar problem with my hubby when we dated. I went away for the Philippines for 3 months and while I was away he studied and learned tagalog. Now my family speaks half ass, tagalog and mix of kapampangan. It bothered him a lot before he learned, he too felt like an outcast and took action. So maybe leanr some viet, like you said you don't want to be selfish and ask others to act/speak in ways just to make things more comfortable for you. I know it's a bit difficult for my family to speak full English around Americans specially huge friends gathering. I've caught my mom speak English then speak something else without realizing it. I'm sure they don't do it on purpose, or do it to speak shit about you (unless you are in bad terms with them, then that's a different story). And from experience, if you question EVERY single thing about your future then you will definitely struggle and won't grow the way you guys were meant to. Live in the moment, not expect the future.

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  2. Whatta man. He is so secure! lol. My bf won't even hold my handbag! Although I have to admit, I only ask him to do it just to make fun of him. :p

    Learning Vietnamese would be helpful. It'd also be great just to know another language. I think my fav part of Viet culture is the FOOD.

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  3. LOL! The pink backpack is great! What a sweetheart. I don't think there's an easy answer here (my husband and I have had many problems to work through ourselves). I see why this would be so frustrating.

    I'm going to offer you a suggestion, but feel free to ignore me entirely as needed. One possibility is to just not hang out with him when he's with all his friends. As it turns out, once we married, both my husband and I were too busy to hang out with each others' friends all the time. It actually gets better as you get older, if that makes sense. It's only the big things you mentioned (weddings, baby shower, etc) that are few and far between. But even at your wedding, you'll have your friends and his friends, so you can just hang out with your friends alone. For the baby shower, it's unlikely many of *his* friends will show up... LOL! You'll see.

    Actually, it turns out that many of our "problems" solved itself after we got married. Things changed easily - and for the better. I know that can't happen for everyone, but if your problems are not the big ones (values, money, life, etc), maybe they will no longer be something important later.

    Good luck. I totally understand why being left out of the conversation would be frustrating (and boring!). It's hard to not wonder whether they're talking about you behind your back! But, really. Usually they're not. Hugs.

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  4. i hope you work things out.from reading all your other posts, i've gotten the impression that he's a nice guy that values you.that picture of him with your backpack is so cute.don't let his friends spoil your happiness and be the ones that break you up.you can't control things that happen to you and around you, but what you can totally take charge off is your attitude and the way you react to them.

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  5. ur bf is sooo loving! kekeke i think its really sweet when guys do little things like carrying a PINK bag. i dun think my bf will ever b caught dead wif a pink bag!! *sighs* lolz
    If you didnt say that you r filo i would NEVA of guessed. cos 2 me u look soooooo VIET, a HOT viet! hehehe. newayz...ur a good looking chika.
    Similar to you, i'm going out wif a chinese guy and i'm viet. both my bf n I dun speak each other language. however, i find that u dun have 2 learn 2 speak Viet, but at least learn how 2 understand the basic, that might help. it has helped me..well sorta, hahaha.
    you have take in consideration that certain people do tend 2 b inconsiderate without acknowledging it. you can always try n speak 2 them. i'm very sure they will talk 2 u.
    Dun be so down about what they say about you.I dont think your bf would want you 2 be unhappy when your around his friends or else i dun think he would invite you to come if he knows they are gonna give u a hard time.
    cheers. keep up wif ur fabulous work!
    i live in Australia, n OMG ur so lucky that MAC cosmetic r 'cheaper'. over here they double the price. >.<

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  6. thanks ladies for the advice. yeah i think it will solve itself. i'm in the process of learning some viet, i can say things like "mi", "mi den", "me chang".... though i probably can't spell it.
    it's not that his friends don't talk to me, they are really nice actually. it's just when a lot of them get together (guys and girls) they all talk among themselves in viet. i'm on good terms with a lot of them, but i guess it's the insecure girl in me to think they are talking smack behind me. it is frustrating to feel like the odd-woman out & in retrospect, i don't think they purposely try to shun me. like you said, sometime people just don't notice.... and they did ask me why i was quiet....
    see, i usually can think stuff out later once i calm down and get an objective view.... so thank y'all!

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  7. hope u'd feel better after what happened. it's nice that u two did talk it out in the end and at least he understands. ur bf sounds really considerate and attentive from what u've mentioned. about his friends, im viet too so i know that in our culture (as well as other asian ones of course), certain people are a lot more comfortable speaking their ethnic language rather than english. i can imagine your frustration but i think it's just something they do out of habit and of course, not intentionally aiming to shun you. maybe in the future when u guys go out together, you can chime in and ask them what is it that's so funny/interesting that they're talking about or u can bring up some topics to talk and then perhaps the group will respond in english since u bring the subjects up. in any case, u and ur bf have been together 2 yrs already, im sure u guys will surpass something as minor as this. ^-^ i've been with my bf for 3 yrs, and trust me when i say i've gone through hell and back lol. it's tremendously crazy in my relationship but there are happy times too so im always looking at the positive and great qualities in my relationship and my bf. hope u'll cheer up soon! ^-^
    p.s. u r one lucky girl, lol. my bf won't even carry anything so feminine like that for me and especially in public! ur bf looks adorable carrying that pink backbag.

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  8. hey there stephie! I can totally understand for you. My sis just got married. Her husband is german. She talked to me about that before..she feels a little left out around his family when they speak german. She just smiles and stands there even though she is terribly uncomfortable. Last christmas, his mom got her a calendar that teaches commom sayings in german. It includes phonetics. =0) not very useful still. When he's around my family, it's kind of hard too because my mom knows only a little bit of english. They try to communicate still but we always have to translate something. I think he tries to learn a little viet too. It would mske everything so much easier. No biggie though...you guys can get through it. If and when you have kids, teach them english and both your languages!! Man, would they be geniuses!! If you're around his friends, just ask them what they just said and tell them to teach you. I think they will find it amusing and enjoy it as well especially cause they know you're interested in learning about their culture. If you've found a good guy, don't let him get away! Good luck sweetie!! <3

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  9. Hi Stephie! You and your man are soOo cute! And yeah it's just rude when people talk in another language knowing that you won't understand, like geez speak English when IM here! I have a lot of Thai/Chinese friends and they yap all day and then look at me and I am like they can be saying horrible stuff about me and here I am smiling basically agreeing with them! Ha!

    It will work out, luckily your bf is so understanding. :)

    Love you mama!

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  10. oh sweetie.. i know how you feel. my boyfriend is mexican and everytime he's around his family/friends, they all speak in Spanish, or at least, they try to speak in English for my sake which makes me feel even WORSE (like they're having to change their regular behavior just for me, so i'm inconveniencing them...).

    i've been taking spanish classes though, to at least look like i'm trying... and it turns out that i really like the language anyway, so i'm happy to be learning it. :)

    whatever the case, i think if you love him enough, stick with him. don't let this small hurdle get in your path.. stay strong!

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  11. You can always learned viet , but if you say your bf loves you like you love him, I doubt he would let his friends talk shit about you.

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  12. The last photo is cute....how many guys would actually carry around pink items...lol....he did it for you, thats sweet.

    As for the language...I know how unccmfortable it is to be sitting around people who speaks a different language, feels sort of left out ... but it's always good to know what people are talking about and so you can be part of the conversation

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  13. Aww, girl, i feel your agony. My bf is vietnamese, too (I'm not), but the issue isn't his friends.....but his family! his mom will ask him to bring me over, but when we eat dinner everybody will be speaking in vietnamese. NOT fun. Hang in there....if anything, just hang out with your friends when he wants to hang out with this particular group...he seems nice enough, i'm sure he'll understand your reasons!

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  14. thank y'all for your advice and support! my honie is a very loving bf and he won't let his friends talk smack about me... there are just those days when i'm more emotional than others :) hahaha....

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  15. Hi, I found this blog from your youtube videos (I was searching for make up tips--great videos btw!) Anyway, I can't help but put in my two-cents on this. I think it's not at ALL selfish for you to expect that everyone has the decency to speak a language that the ENTIRE group understands. To do otherwise is extremely rude and inconsiderate in my opinion. I'm Vietnamese myself and I've always hated when some of my friends spoke the language around, lets say, one other friend that didn't understand. I'd actually only reply to them in English 'cause I think it's just plain rude. How would they feel if they were around a group of people just gabbing away in a language they couldn't understand, regardless if its bad-mouthing or not? So not only do I think it's not at all selfish, I think it would be the decent thing to do. It's too much to ask that they once in a while, when you're around, speak English but not too much to ask for you to learn a WHOLE NEW LANGUAGE?!? Feel free to completely ignore this, but I really think your bf and his friends are in the wrong here.

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  16. Hi, I found this blog from your youtube videos (I was searching for make up tips--great videos btw!) Anyway, I can't help but put in my two-cents on this. I think it's not at ALL selfish for you to expect that everyone has the decency to speak a language that the ENTIRE group understands. To do otherwise is extremely rude and inconsiderate in my opinion. I'm Vietnamese myself and I've always hated when some of my friends spoke the language around, lets say, one other friend that didn't understand. I'd actually only reply to them in English 'cause I think it's just plain rude. How would they feel if they were around a group of people just gabbing away in a language they couldn't understand, regardless if its bad-mouthing or not? So not only do I think it's not at all selfish, I think it would be the decent thing to do. It's too much to ask that they once in a while, when you're around, speak English but not too much to ask for you to learn a WHOLE NEW LANGUAGE?!? Feel free to completely ignore this, but I really think your bf and his friends are in the wrong here.

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  17. Hey Stephie! We're in a similar predicament. I'm Filipino and my boyfriend is Vietnamese too. We've been going out for a while too, but his brothers and friends speak English around me. His parents and other older relatives speak Viet though at parties. It used to bother me because it's just frustrating being so paranoid when you're supposed to be enjoying yourself. So what i've learned is to just initiate conversation with them so that they answer you in English. That way you are included and everyone has a good time :)

    I love your blog! I have one myself but my MAC collection isn't near as big as I would like haha [just started]. Every time I check out your blog I'm inspired :D

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  18. Hi, there. I came through your blog a few days ago and I really love your blog. any way, when I read this particular entry, I decided to leave some comment because I do understand how you felt. I'm Vietnamese and my boyfriend is Filipino. I don't like to hang out with his friends either because they will not speak English to each other, it makes me think my boyfriend is hiding something from me hahaha... But I guess this is one thing I have to live with if I marry him.. sigh..

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